The Secret Diary of Sauron
by lalaithien
Summary: Another wacky entry in my Secret Diary series. Enjoy, and be sure to leave your review! :-)


**The Secret Diary of Sauron, Evil Incarnate (Or Not-So-Incarnate, Being An Eye Atop A Tower)**  
  


_Author's Note: these diaries are my own work. The idea of placing LotR characters in a "diary" situation I owe to Cassie Claire. All material herein is my intellectual property and not copied from any other source. _

_Day 1:_

May be putting on weight. Twenty pounds in last week. Maia body not what used to be. Drat. Am certain will ruin reputation amongst tall blonde skinny Elves.

_Day 2:_

Am definitely sliding into depressing obesity. Is worse in comparison with tall perfect cat-like Elves. Drat their perfect bleach-blonde hair and granite muscles. 

_Day 3:_

Elvish phen-fen not working. Suspect massive conspiracy. Have decided to become evil as black v. slimming.

_Day 1,005:_

Tried to take over world. Have been mildly successful but now suspect tall blonde Elves in major conspiracy. Elves v. cruel: first no help with weight loss and now resistance to mere attempt to overtake world. Cannot have any fun. Stupid Elves.

_Day 1,007:_

Tall blondies marching in Last Alliance with bunch of dirty unshaven Men. Hope body odour of same crinkles all their perfectly shaped noses.

_Day 1,008:_

Am utterly disgraced. Have been defeated by Last Alliance of girlie-men and scruffy-haired rats. Took my Ring. Is not enough that am fat and defeated but must lose last-ditch effort to remain attractive as well. Stupid Men. Stupid Elves. On plus side: have been disembodied and reduced to giant eyeball so weight gain no longer problem.

_Day 1,009:_

@$*@%*@$@!!! How the @#%&@*# am I supposed to put in contact lens?!?

_Day 1,180,915:_

Stupid AOL. Cannot get connection in my area. Am Lord of Darkness but cannot get blasted email in "my area." Life sucks.

_Day 1,180,916:_

Aha! Have found Palantir. Perhaps can find friend. Long-distance relationship a must as am nothing but eyeball.

_Day 1,180,920:_

Have found kindred spirit through Palantir. Name of Saruman. Calls me "Lord of the Earth" so am at last making headway, if only with pointy-nailed guy with superiority complex.

_Day 1,180,927:_

Have been busy playing "Eye Spy" with Saruman past week. Am at last enjoying self! Have decided to form alliance with Saruman as in possession of army of v. big Orcs. Beats all h*ll out of own sniveling brood. Must ask for recipe.

_Day 1,180,930:_

Sigh. Such bliss. Saruman such nice bloke. Will send him glittery nail polish for Christmas as obviously have no use for it myself.

_Day 1,180,950:_

Am worried that Palantir may be malfunctioning again. After last chat Saruman started tearing down trees at Isengard. Was quite sure had ordered EXfoliating, not DEfoliating. V. bad situation.

_Day 1,180,955:_

Saruman obviously on redecorating binge. Copying design of new home directly from Barad-dur. Wish would not watch as much "Trading Spaces" as cuts into our chatting times. S has abandoned me for paintbrushes. How depressing.

_Day 1,180,962:_

Have heard from Saruman. About time as for last week has paid me no notice. Has been keeping Gandalf the Grey as guest. Never told me. Humph. 

_Day 1,180,964:_

Apparently small hairy-footed mate of Gandalf has my Ring. Will send out Nazgul riders to fetch back as soon as give them clothing. Hope nine egos can survive journey together w/out slaughtering each other.

_Day 1,180,970:_

Stupid Nazgul got dry-clean-only robes wet and shrunk them. Returned naked to gates of Barad-dur. Most embarrassing, not to mention bad for PR as Saruman was watching whole thing. Must remember to keep Nazgul away from water in future.

_Day 1,180,973:_

Elrond holding Council. Wish was invited as long for companionship and discussion. No. Do not want to go to stupid Council. If Elrond cannot realise what he's missing in my friendship will certainly not inconvenience self by nagging.

_Day 1,180,974:_

Elrond's Council have decided to destroy Ring. Stupid Elrond. Is sending pretty Hobbit-boy to destroy it. May have chance of swaying Hobbit-boy as less than three feet tall if only other fat Hobbit will keep out of way. Stupid fat Hobbit.

_LATER:_

Drat. Several other members of Council are going with pretty Hobbit-boy. May pose problem. Must get Saruman to hinder as possible.

_Day 1,180,975:_

Hindrance plan going well. Saruman made Pass of Caradhras impassable so Fellowship must take Mines of Moria. Too bad, really, as will not be able to ogle pretty-boy Hobbit in the dark.

_Day 1,180,978:_

Whoa! Major ego-fight ongoing in Moria. Had forgotten Balrog. Gandalf and Balrog dueling on narrow bridge. This should be good. Have not seen good spectacle in millennia. Wish had thought to sell tickets on pay-per-view Palantir. Would have made killing.

_Day 1,180,980:_

Blast Palantir. Reception faded into shadow before could see who won. No word from Balrog. But do not see Gandalf either so do not know results of match. V. annoying.

_Day 1,180,981:_

Fellowship have gone to Lorien under leadership of Aragorn. Hope pointy-eared blondies are mean to _them,_ too.

_Day 1,180,982:_

Yes!! Pointy-eared perfect blondies have tied up Fellowship and blindfolded them. Perhaps they will realise Elves not all cracked up to be. Hope Gimli cuts them to bits.

_Day 1,180,983:_

Drat. Galadriel came in on Palantir. Hate Galadriel. Proposed marriage to further her social status – how far can blondes get on own anyway? - and got turned down for wispy-haired clod Celeborn. Made her Nenya ring for Christmas. Did I get thank-you note? Noooo. Tried to kill me instead. And helped take _MY_ ring. Greedy Elf witch.

_Day 1,180,984:_

Tension mounting in Lorien between Galadriel and Legolas as both tall blondes who enjoy prancing about with pitchers. Suspect massive beauty-queen wars v. soon.

_Day 1,180,990:_

Fellowship in boats on River Anduin. Stupid Gimli will not shut up over Galadriel and her three strands of hair. V. annoying. **_I _**never got three strands of hair. Wonder what Galadriel possibly saw in Gimli as short, fat, hairy people were never her type. Imponderable Elf witch.

_Day 1,180,991_:

Best day for combat in approx. 519,082.87 days. Orcs killed so far: 311. V. bad but expendable as new outsourced production facility v. cheap. Members of Fellowship killed so far: 1. Acceptable but wish had been stupid Legolas instead as hate tall perfect blondes. Aragorn's ego stroked when Boromir called him "King" but does not matter as Boromir dying and delirious when said so. Cannot find hairy little Hobbits anywhere but expect no big threat. Must close up now as maintenance man has just arrived. Lightning things connecting me to top of Barad-dur shorting out.


End file.
